JaMarcus Russell Meets With Al Davis To Discuss Money, Speed (Satire)

So, Al Davis wants to take money from JaMarcus Russell. Here's how their meeting went down.


Al Davis: You know why we called you here, JaMarcus. We—I feel that you should pay us back for being the most pathetic excuse for a quarterback.

JaMarcus Russell: A simple, "Could you pay us back would've been nice, you know." But, why should I pay you guys back? It's not my fault you drafted me because I could throw 80 yards on my knee.

Al Davis: Yes, but you fell asleep during meetings.

JaMarcus Russell: You do the same exact thing.

Al Davis: I'm 127 years old. You are 24 years old.

JaMarcus Russell: Wait, aren't you 12-

Al Davis: Never mind about that. Let's get this over with. I have a rash on my left buttock, and I'm growing impatient. Pay me back $9.55 million and I won't have to hurt you.

JaMarcus Russell: I'm not paying you back that much. Didn't I already tell you, you old fart? But we can reason, though?

Al Davis: How 'bout you give me $7 million, and we'll call it a deal.

JaMarcus Russell: Or, I could introduce you to Johnny Speed, Steven Ferrari, or Bill Corvette? And I pay you $2 million.

Al Davis: Sure, it's a done deal. You know I love speed. And the game tape I've watched of Corvette has been really smooth. Could I also meet Steven Ferrari? I've heard he's quick, but doesn't have much stamina. 

JaMarcus Russell: Well, if you want to meet Mr. Ferrari, you have to pay me an extra $2 million.

Al Davis: It's a done deal, JaMarcus. Hope you enjoy all your fancy jewelry and automobiles. Because the next guy who gives you a job, I'll send a get well card too.

JaMarcus Russell: Always a pleasure sir. (He walks out of the room, and says to himself) Sucker, All those players live in Europe. I just weaseled out $2 million.

Al Davis: Sucker, I just paid hi...

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