Al Davis’ Shocking Oakland Raiders Press Conference Transcript (Satire)

Press Conference began at 1:35PM PST

Al Davis:  "I have asked you here today so that you can be the first to hear it from me and convey this information through the appropriate channels. 

Over the past 40 years I have held this team to high standards and my only goal in life was to create a winning atmosphere that was comprised of a team of men that were as dedicated to it as I was.  Unfortunately I seldom found that but when I did the results were magical. 

I have seen the world, people and this sport go through change but have stuck to my way of doing things for one reason, it's my team.  I have not ever felt the need to explain my actions or to ask for help as I am completely knowledgeable of the game and what it takes to win. 

Over the past few years my health has diminished to a point that the stresses of running the team and doing all the things I normally do have taken their toll on me.  This game and the people involved with it have changed and the dinosaurs like myself are a dying breed. 

I now realize that and hope to save whatever true fans we have left.  I pray that we can somehow make our fans understand that once this change takes place that I will completely surrender full control to my son and will only give my advice if asked to do so as I want this wonderful organization to be his. 

So effective immediately my son Mark will have full control of the organization and complete say of it's decisions on personnel, staff, etc.  I'd like to thank the supporters that I have left that have stood by me all of these years and thank the fans for staying with us while I went through a rough spot and made some very poor decisions for our team.  So without further delay, I introduce to you the new Owner and General Manager, Mark Davis."

(Applause and chaos filled the room.  Many faces had a confused look)
Article Source: Bleacher Report - Oakland Raiders