Shaq’s Retirement and the Operetta Shaqkobe

Shaquille O'Neal may be the funniest 7'1'' Superstar who ever lived.

Certainly he was one of the best basketball players of any size. Such a character as Shaq we may never see again. Now, that he has retired, I may have difficulty finding subjects to write about.

For this week, as a tribute, I'm digging up my favorite Shaq stories. The one below occurred just before Shaq's departure from the Lakers to Miami. It was from a time of tension, a time when divorce was in the air and Phil Jackson was doing everything he could to broker a reconciliation between Shaq and Kobe.

The tension and the dramatics reminded me of Gilbert and Sullivan.


The Operetta Shaqkobe

Scene: In the Jacksonson Courtyard in Lakerland.

The grand Pooh-bah, Master Jacksonson, also known as the Archbishop of Lakerland, Lord High Admiral, First Lord of the Treasury, Official Pacifier, Dater of the Daughter and Zensu  of the Zenators is addressing Shaqeson.

“It is said,” begins the Pooh-bah “that you, O Mighty Shaqeson, wish not to fulfill your obligation of marriage to Kobe-Ko. You realize, that I, as First Lord of the Treasury and as Chief Paymaster in Charge can propose a special law which would cover all expenses.

I could use my special powers of accountancy in such a way, that I as Lord high Auditor, could never discover my own malfeasance. However as the Archbishop of Lakerland, it would be my duty to denounce my own dishonesty and give myself into my own custody, as Chief of Police.”

To which the Shaqeson says “Huh?”

“You realize, don’t you, that I’m willing to degrade myself for the sake of your union,” says the Pooh-bah. “You need only to co-operate, fulfill your obligation and go through with nuptials. If only for a few years.”

“But that Kobe-Ko is ugly. Have you seen her without her ...

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